


Rootless Weeds: A Dramatic Retelling

by MudaMuda



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Historical, Japanese Mythology & Folklore, M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 15:44:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18552808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MudaMuda/pseuds/MudaMuda
Summary: The Lord of Hell is deeply in love with the most beautiful man he’s ever seen, and vows to have him for himself. The problem: he’s got competition, and his competition likes butts a little too much.





	Rootless Weeds: A Dramatic Retelling

**Author's Note:**

> This story could use some background:  
> In the mid-1700s, there was this famous author in Japan named Gennai who wrote a really popular story called Rootless Weeds, about a demon king who's thirsty for a sexy human actor named Kikunojo, but runs into some unexpected problems when trying to kidnap him.  
> Like a fine wine, Rootless Weeds hits those fruity notes of Dark, Horny, and Completely Stupid that I love to see in a story. So I…… reimagined it. With aph characters.The actor’s name literally has “Kiku” in it. How could I pass that up?  
> The original story is much longer than what I wrote, and a little more classy, but I think I got the basics covered.

_ [Dramatis Personae]: _

_ King Enma, Lord of Hell: Arthur _

_ Monk: Gilbert _

_ The Dragon god: Yao _

_ The Kappa: Alfred _

_ Kikunojo: Kiku _

_ Kikunojo’s slightly less attractive friend: Francis _

  
  
  


Hell was running smoothly. Lord Arthur, ruler of hell, was sitting on his throne, gleefully contemplating new and exciting punishments for the wretched souls that passed through his domain.

A white-haired monk was brought before Lord Arthur for judgement. 

“What is your crime?” asked Lord Arthur.

“Love,” said the monk, placing his hand over his heart.

“You’ll have to be more specific, old chap. How did you die?”

“Of a broken heart…”

“Don’t be silly.”

“Seriously, of a broken heart,” said the monk emphatically. “But first I broke my vow of celibacy to fuck this hot actor named Kiku. Then he stopped returning my letters, so I got sad and, you know, died.”

“Wow, breaking your religious vows  _ and  _ sleeping with another man? You’re a terrible person,” said Arthur haughtily.

“What can I say? The heart wants what it wants,” said the monk, shrugging.

Arthur sent him away and discussed the monk’s punishment with his advisors. 

“How shall we punish him, Lord Arthur?” asked one of the demons. “He’s a small-time offender. I think dipping him in a cauldron of boiling oil is enough.”

“Ha! Boiling oil! He deserves much worse,” said Lord Arthur. “This man is a homosexual, and homosexuals are icky. Guy-on-guy sex is causing men all over the world to become immoral, and it must be stopped.”

“That’s awfully close-minded of you. Don’t you know it’s pretty well-accepted nowadays to be gay?”

“Well, I don’t accept it, and I’m the king of Hell. And I hereby outlaw gay people. Go spread the word,” said Lord Arthur.

The messenger demons bowed and went to do his bidding, before one of the advisors spoke up, and stopped them. 

“Wait, is this the same Kiku that’s renowned for his beauty and popularity in the theater? The same Kiku who dances in kabuki productions, playing the role of a woman? Rumor has it he’s a better woman than the actual women.”

“We do have this print that the monk was holding when he died,” said the demon guard. “I confiscated it. He said it was a portrait of his true love. But we’ll have to unwrap it to know for sure.”

Arthur wrinkled his nose. “Who cares? Just destroy that picture and get to punishing the monk already,” he said.

The other demons, however, seemed hesitant.

“Shall we take a look at the portrait? Just one look? Just to confirm it’s the same person, and that he’s as beautiful as the monk said?” suggested the demon guard.

The other advisors nodded hastily in agreement, circling around to view the monk’s block print.

“ _ You  _ can look at his nasty gay picture. I’ll happy decline to look anywhere near it,” said Lord Arthur, turning around so he wouldn’t accidentally look. 

There was a rustling, as the advisors unwrapped the block print. Then, a succession of awed gasps followed, as they fawned over the picture. The chatter grew louder, as more demons were drawn to the crowd gaping at the image. Various snatches of conversation reached Lord Arthur’s ears:

“He’s not just beautiful. Beautiful things are ordinary compared to him.”

“His lips are like the pinkest cherry blossom petals...”

“His eyes sparkle like stars on a moonless night…”

“His skin is as supple and pale as a lily…”

Hearing their effusive praises for the actor, Lord Arthur could stand it no longer. Despite his disgust, his curiosity got the better of him, and he decided he could take just one peek. Just to confirm that this young man was repulsive, and that he himself was very much a Straight man with no homosexual tendencies in the slightest.

Lord Arthur stomped over to the crowd.

“What kind of rubbish are you talking?” he addressed the demons, as shoved his way to the middle to view the portrait. “Everyone here is ugly as sin. Even the most plain beauty would look amazing to you lot.”

“But Lord Arthur, you don’t understand.”

Lord Arthur scoffed. “I bet he’s the most boring and ordinary actor in the entire--”

But as he lay eyes on the actor’s picture before him, he couldn’t finish his sentence.

Cherry blossoms, stars, and lillies weren’t nearly adequate to compare to Kiku’s handsome features.

The beauty he saw was beyond mere description, and the shock of it caused him to pass out.

He slumped over, unconscious. When he came to, his advisors were fanning him. He stumbled back to his throne and slumped down. 

“Well. That was awkward,” he said. 

His heart was thundering with excitement. A mere glance at the actor’s portrait had bewitched him, and he could not escape the rush of delight that overwhelmed him, thinking about his unearthly beauty. 

Homosexuality be damned, there was only one man/demon fit to be the lover of an unearthly beauty like Kiku.

In the frame of about four seconds, Lord Arthur completely renounced his bigoted views and fell deeply in love with the actor.

“I must fuck him,” he declared with passion.

His demon advisors were surprised by this complete 180 in Lord Arthur’s personality. 

“But... didn’t you just outlaw everything gay…?”

“Forget what I said!” exclaimed Arthur, waving his arms. “Everyone can be gay now, I don’t give a shite. As long as it means Kiku can be mine! I must have him at once!”

And he sprang from his throne, prepared to travel to earth and woo the object of his affection.

“Sir, wait!” called his advisors.

Lord Arthur laughed maniacally. “I don’t care about being ruler of hell! Being king means nothing if I can’t share a bed with a hottie like him for the rest of my life! I hereby renounce my position as ruler, and will become human so I can sleep with him every day!”

He danced away, giggling, and totally insensible to anything but his crush on Kiku.

As Lord Arthur was clearly insane, his demon advisors ran after him and dragged him back to his throne.

“If you leave, who will rule hell? It’ll be chaos!” they tried to reason with him. 

“Not to mention, your demonic appearance will scare him away. You won’t even be let into his theater with a face like yours. Your ugly ass eyebrows are the stuff of legend, and would scare any human off. The ticket agent will see your face and call the cops on you.”

“Perhaps you’re right,” grumbled Arthur, snapping out of his lovestruck haze for a moment. He leant back in his throne and tapped his chin in thought.

“Right then. I’ll just have Kiku kidnapped, murdered, and brought to hell,” he decided. “Then he’ll have no choice but to be with me. Because his soul will have nowhere else to go.”

“That’s much more reasonable,” his advisors agreed.

“Where was Kiku last seen?” asked Lord Arthur, determined.

“Right now, he’s out on a river cruise with some friends, partying it up,” said one demon.

“Perfect. Summon my friend the Dragon King,” declared Lord Arthur. “He controls all the aquatic life. He’s the man/dragon for this job…”

\--------

The palace of the Dragon King was, obviously, under the sea. It was an expansive kingdom, spanning not just one sea, but all seven. Home to all creatures that swam and floated and lay in the sand and photosynthesized, it was a busy kingdom. 

But the Dragon King, Yao, was able to make time for the Lord of Hell.

“You really have no shame, do you?” Yao asked, in response to Lord Arthur’s devious and very perverted proposition.

“Silence!” shouted Lord Arthur, trying not to blush. “Just do as I say and capture him! I want him tonight by sundown.”

“Without even taking him to dinner first? Lord Arthur, you’re as charming as ever.”

“I mean I want him in my throne room, you idiot.”

“...and as hedonistic.”

“Oh, shut it. You know what I mean,” grumbled Lord Arthur. 

“I guess I can figure out some way to get him to you,” conceded Yao. 

“I’m not asking, I’m  _ ordering.  _ You  _ will  _ capture him,” said Lord Arthur. “And if anyone lays a finger on him before I do, I’ll personally break your femur.”

“As Your Majesty wishes,” said Yao.

With his orders, he went to speak with his royal advisors, seeking out the best and brightest fish to capture Kiku.

\--------

As it turned out, all of the fish in Yao’s court were terrible at their jobs for some reason, and to make a long story short, none of them were able to successfully capture Kiku.

Yao was furious.

“Isn’t there a single one of you who’s not a complete idiot?” he shouted. “My ass will be grass if Lord Arthur doesn’t get this guy by sundown!”

The dragon king was about to storm out of his throne room, when a voice from the back of the crowd popped up.

“I can capture him.”

The crowd parted to reveal a kappa, who had been hanging out in the back of the room, guarding the door. 

“Who the hell are you?” asked Yao.

“I’m Alfred,” the kappa said, bowing low. “At your service, Your Majesty. Allow me to capture him.”

“Why should I send you? You’re just a kappa. A lowly water spirit,” said Yao.

“I mean, you’ve got nothing to lose, right?” asked Alfred.

Yao stroked his chin. “It’s true that I have no one left to send, so I  _ would  _ consider you, but seeing as you’re a kappa, I think it’s probably ill-advised. Honestly, you’re probably the absolute worst choice to send.”

“Why, though?”

“Popular belief has it that kappas enjoy touching men’s buttholes.”

“Well. The soul is kept in the ass,” explained Alfred. “And I eat souls. So… I do what I’ve gotta do.”

“That’s disgusting,” said the dragon king. 

“But I promise I won’t touch his butt,” said the kappa. “I’m much too loyal to Your Majesty to ever consider something so sexy and seductive--- I mean, uh, gross-- as eating the ass of a beautiful man.”

The dragon king pulled back his sleeve and checked his watch. “Well. This talk of eating reminded me that it’s past my lunch break. I’m tired of dealing with you idiots, so you’re hired, I guess.”

Alfred bowed again.

“I won’t let you down.”

\------

Out on the river, somewhere in Japan, floated a private boat. On the boat resided a troupe of actors, drunk and rowdy from a day of revelry. Among them was Kiku, the aforementioned sexy actor.

He had grown tired of drinking, and decided to pass the day quietly, lounging around and watching the scenery for poetic inspiration. 

Kiku relaxed by the bow of the boat, languidly watching the scenery pass and thinking up poetic lines about it. The day was warm and the scenery was beautiful, but not as beautiful as him. 

By and by, the boat passed something that was not a tree or a landmark, but a person. 

Kiku peered closer. A mysterious man was alone in a small fishing boat, floating along and trying to catch fish. 

As Kiku’s boat got nearer, the man glanced towards it. Kiku could tell by his clothing that he was not at ordinary fisherman, but a samurai. 

_ What an intriguing person,  _ Kiku thought.  _ What’s a samurai doing out here? _

The samurai tilted up his wide-brimmed straw hat so that Kiku could see his face. He had a handsome tan complexion and sparkling blue eyes full of mischief. In the heat of the afternoon, he had undone the top of his kimono and allowed it to hang freely around his hips.

Fascinated, Kiku beckoned him closer.

The samurai’s abs rippled as he rowed toward the larger boat. Kiku’s throat became dry, watching his strong arms flexing with every thrust of the paddle.  

When he was close enough to be heard, the samurai recited a sexy haiku as he rowed:

_ You are fine af _

_ I want to see your hot bod _

_ Take off your clothes, dude _

 

Charmed by his delicate command of the art of haiku, Kiku recited boldly back to him:

_ Come here, samurai _

_ And I will give you a taste _

 

But that’s as far as he got, because the samurai got on the boat and started making out with him.

\-------

What happened in the next few hours was a whirlwind, and much too graphic to put into words. 

All that truly mattered was that, by the end of it, Kiku and the samurai were both in love and were making plans to run away and buy a house together and adopt some kids.

“I love you with all my kokoro,” said Kiku. He touched the samurai’s face affectionately. The samurai smiled.

“I lo-- I l-love--” he tried to say, but couldn’t get out the words.

“Take your time,” said Kiku. “This is overwhelming for me, too.”

“That’s not it,” said the samurai, and started crying. 

“What’s wrong?” asked Kiku.

“Kiku I have to tell you something,” he whimpered. “I lied to you. I’m not a samurai, I’m actually a kappa in disguise. My name is Alfred. I was sent to drown you and bring you to the bottom of the sea to the dragon king. Then he would give you to the King of Hell, Lord Arthur, and you would be his lover for eternity. But you’re so hot, I couldn’t help myself and slept with you. No one was supposed to touch you, as he commanded, so now I’m definitely going to get my ass beat if I go back.” Alfred shed a manly tear. “And I’ve fallen deeply in love with you, so I can’t bear to drown you, either.”

“Oh no! What a predicament!” exclaimed Kiku, taken aback by this confession. “What shall we do?”

Just then, Kiku’s flamboyant and attractive (but not as attractive as Kiku) friend, Francis, came out of nowhere. Francis was also an actor at the same kabuki theater. Having eavesdropped on their conversation, he was prepared to offer a solution. 

“I have a solution,” said Francis. “I can take your place.”

“What? But you don’t even look like me,” said Kiku.

“I’m basically as beautiful as you, and someone as hideous as Lord Arthur should be grateful to take what he can get. Also, I would get to be the lover of the literal king of hell. That’s dope. Go be with your lowly kappa.”

“Good luck,” said Kiku.

Francis jumped over the side of the boat and fell into the river, presumably drowning and going to hell.

Kiku and Alfred embraced, and all was right in the world.

 

**Author's Note:**

> The original story ends abruptly like that. It’s assumed that King Enma couldn’t discern the difference between Kikunojo and his hot friend, because he only had a block print as reference, and they looked similar enough.  
> So happy ending, I guess?


End file.
